The Squashed Tamora Pierce
by Lia Ex Machina
Summary: Tamora Pierce's novels in a hundred words or less. Inspired by "The Squashed Mercedes Lackey".
1. The Squashed Song of the Lioness

Author's Note: I'm sorry if I offended anybody, this is just a bit of lighthearted fun.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. It all belongs to the wonderful Tamora Pierce.  
  
The Squashed Song of the Lioness  
  
Alanna: the First Adventure  
  
Alanna: I don't want to be a lady.  
  
Ralon: I'm going to hurt you.  
  
Roger: Don't go to the Black City, Jonathan.  
  
Jon: Let's go, Alan!  
  
Ysandir: Ouch.  
  
In the Hand of the Goddess  
  
Great Mother Goddess: Here's a cat and a amulet.  
  
Alanna: Thanks.  
  
Faithful: I'm cool.  
  
Roger: I'm evil.  
  
Jon: I think I'm the best.  
  
Thom: I KNOW I'm the best.  
  
Roger: Die!  
  
Alanna: (Kills Roger)  
  
The Woman Who Rides Like a Man  
  
Alanna: I'm going to the desert.  
  
Halef Seif: We're going to adopt you.  
  
Akhan Ibn Nazzir: You are a demon! And evil!  
  
(Akhan Ibn Nazzir and Alanna fight. Alanna wins.)  
  
Halef Seif: You are the shaman now.  
  
Ishak: I must have the crystal sword.  
  
Alanna: Jon, you're a jerk. Go away.  
  
(Alanna goes to George's house in Port Caynn, and then goes to the desert.)  
  
Sorceress of Alois: Give this to Halef Seif.  
  
Lioness Rampant  
  
Alanna: I'm bored, so I'll go get the Dominion Jewel.  
  
Liam: I'm a wimp.  
  
Buri: I'm going to Tortall with Thayet.  
  
(Buri, Thayet, Liam, and Alanna go to the Roof of the World.)  
  
Alanna: Chitral, I will defeat you!  
  
Roger: I'm back, and I'm out to kill Jon and Alanna!  
  
Thom: (dies, tragically)  
  
Alanna: (kills Roger)  
  
George: Marry me, Alanna. Please.  
  
Alanna: Sure. 


	2. The Squashed Immortals

Author's Note: Whoa! Thirteen reviews in LESS than a DAY! Archeress, Lady Solaria, Dreaming Reader, Ice Byrd 67, Sardonic Smile, Zurizip, Queen of the Rogue, The Mouth of Sauron, Aer, Canadian Digi Girl, Marzbabi, Milla, and Shadow: THANK YOU SO, SO MUCH! Since you all pretty much yelled in my ear "DO THE IMMORTALS!" here they are. Again, I'm sorry if this offends you. If you like this, you should read "The Squashed Mercedes Lackey" by Abbykat. You might want to read Mercedes Lackey's books first, though.  
  
Disclaimer: If I was Tamora Pierce, and owned these wonderful characters, would I be sitting around writing silly fanfics? No. I would be working on Lady Knight.  
  
The Squashed Immortals  
  
Wild Magic  
  
Daine: My family is dead.  
  
Onua: Too bad. You can be my assistant.  
  
Stormwings: (attack) Ouch.  
  
Onua: (stares at Daine, slack-jawed because she's so GOOD)  
  
Numair: Save me!  
  
Daine: (tries to help Numair and fails) Waaah!  
  
Alanna: I'll heal you.  
  
Numair: You have wild magic, Daine.  
  
(Carthaki people attack)  
  
Flamewing: (dies, bravely, and leaves behind Kitten for Daine to care for)  
  
Wolf-Speaker  
  
Daine: I HATE STORMWINGS!  
  
Badger: You can be any of us, call any of us…  
  
Cloud: Ouch.  
  
Long Lake Pack: We're wolves.  
  
Maura: I don't like wolves…  
  
Tristan and Yolane: We're going to overthrow King Jonathan!  
  
Daine: Not if I have anything to say about it.  
  
(Daine saves Dunlath)  
  
Emperor Mage  
  
Daine: Look at that… and that… and that…  
  
Kaddar: I'm a wimp.  
  
Ozorne: I'm evil.  
  
Graveyard Hag: Now you can raise the dead.  
  
Varice: Numair is dead.  
  
(Daine gets really, really mad and runs over the palace with dinosaurs)  
  
Numair: I'm alive, Magelet.  
  
Ozorne: (turns into a Stormwing)  
  
The Realms of the Gods  
  
King Jonathan: Go and kill these almost invulnerable immortals.  
  
Numair and Daine: Okay.  
  
(Numair and Daine get transported to the Realms of the Gods)  
  
Weiryn: I am your father, Daine…  
  
Daine: I DID NOT STEAL KITTEN!  
  
(Daine and Numair go to Port Caynn)  
  
Daine: Die, Ozorne! (Kills him)  
  
Great Gods: Do you want to be a goddess?  
  
Daine: (thinks) No.  
  
Numair: (Kills Inar Hadensra) Will you marry me? 


	3. The Squashed Protector of the Small

Author's Note: 29 reviews! I can't believe it! Many, many thanks to Queen of the Rogue, Dreaming Reader, Emmer, Dæmon, Lita's Daughter, The Mouth of Sauron, Melikochan, Kel, Mnitr, Googlepuss-Mage and Bringer of Fire and Light as Well as All Things Evil, Lady Solaria, Willow, Shadow, Sardonic Smile, and Timmlypuff aka Hotaru Tomoe. Wildofre has offered to put this up on her site, Wildofre's Realm. It's at http://www.geocities.com/wildofre. Again, since you have yelled in my ear to do PotS, here it is, though incomplete due to the series also being incomplete. I'm sorry if I offended anyone.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own these wonderful characters. They are all owned by the great Tamora Pierce. I also don't own the condensed idea. Abbykat owns that, as well as the Book-A-Minute people.  
  
The Squashed Protector of the Small  
  
First Test  
  
Kel: I want to be a page.  
  
King Jon: You can, but you have to do a probationary year.  
  
Kel: I'll do it, but I won't like it.  
  
Joren: (hazes the smaller pages)  
  
Kel and Neal: (get in fight with Joren) I fell down.  
  
Lord Wyldon: You can stay.  
  
Page  
  
Kel: I'm here again!  
  
Lalasa: I'm timid.  
  
Owen: I say "Jolly" a LOT.  
  
Cleon: I actually treat Kel like a girl.  
  
Joren: I'm evil.  
  
Kel: (looks at Neal, dreamily)  
  
Criminals: (kidnap Lalasa)  
  
Kel: (rescues her)  
  
Squire  
  
Kel: I'm a squire! Take that, Joren!  
  
Sir Raoul: Will you be my squire?  
  
Kel: Sure.  
  
(Kel and Sir Raoul go all over the country)  
  
Magistrate: Pay up, Stone Mountain.  
  
Joren: (dies)  
  
Cleon: Sunrise …  
  
The Chamber: Go and get rid of these machines.  
  
Kel: I'm a knight at last.  
  
Lady Knight  
  
(This is based on excerpts from Tamora Pierce's web page.)  
  
Kel: I'm going back into the Chamber.  
  
Chamber: You again.  
  
  
  
Kel: I'm at some refugee camp. 


	4. The Squashed Circle of Magic

Author's Note: Ooh! Look at all the nice reviews! Seventeen more of them, all in a row! Thank you Aer, Sardonic Smile, Queen Anjie, Dream Sickle, Athena, Ice Byrd 67, Dreaming Reader, Lieger Zero, Dæmon, Rho Omicron, Twe Twe, Julliet, Dream Sickle, Shadow, and Lita's Daughter.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the squashed idea. That belongs to Abbykat. I don't own the Circle of Magic series or its characters. Those belong to Tamora Pierce. I do own the squashed Tamora Pierce concept, however, so please e-mail me at Daja_Kisubo@thechamberofordeals.zzn.com if you want to use that.  
  
The Squashed Circle of Magic  
  
Sandry's Book/The Magic in the Weaving  
  
Sandry: Waah! My parents are dead!  
  
Tris: Waah! Everybody hates me!  
  
Daja: Waah! I've been shipwrecked!  
  
Briar: Waah! I'm going to the docks!  
  
Niko: I'll save you.  
  
(Sandry, Daja, Tris and Briar save everybody, but Sandry saves them the most)  
  
Tris' Book/The Power in the Storm  
  
Aymery: I'm working for the pirates. Tris, go to your parents.  
  
Tris: No.  
  
(Boom-stone explodes)  
  
Tris: (Raises really big storm)  
  
Enahar: I'm evil!  
  
(Sandry, Daja, Tris and Briar save everybody, but Tris saves them the most)  
  
Daja's Book/The Fire in the Forging  
  
Daja: Look at my nice metal vine!  
  
Sandry: I zapped a thread!  
  
Briar: I fried some plants!  
  
Sandry: (untangles magics)  
  
(Sandry, Daja, Tris and Briar save everybody, but Daja saves them the most)  
  
Briar's Book/ The Healing in the Vine  
  
Briar: It's an epidemic!  
  
Crane: I fire ten people a day!  
  
Rosethorn: (catches blue pox)  
  
Rosethorn: (dies, but gets brought back)  
  
(Sandry, Daja, Tris and Briar save Rosethorn, but Briar saves her the most) 


	5. The Squashed The Circle Opens

Author's Note: Ooh! Thirteen more reviews! Thank you Mnitr, The Mouth of Sauron, Star Princess Meesa, Athena, Dreaming Reader, Sunkisses 643, Cassie, Nightshine, Shadow, Jam-Jackson, Twe Twe, Cosmic Goddess, and Jehane Wizardborn! You guys are great! I got all the Shatterglass info off Sheroes.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own The Circle Opens, or its characters. Tamora Pierce owns that. I don't own the 'squashed' concept. Abbykat owns that. I do own the Squashed Tamora Pierce concept, however, so please email me if you want to use that.  
  
The Squashed The Circle Opens  
  
Magic Steps  
  
Pasco: (Does a little dance)  
  
Sandry: Gods. Now I have to teach you.  
  
Dihanurs: (Kill Rokats)  
  
Pasco: (Does a dance)  
  
Sandry: (Makes a net out of unmagic)  
  
(Pasco and Sandry save everybody, the Dihanurs die)  
  
Street Magic  
  
Evvy: (Magics some rocks)  
  
Briar: Gods. Now I have to teach you.  
  
Evvy: But I don't want to be taught.  
  
Vipers: (Try and get Evvy to join)  
  
Lady Zenadia: (Kills people)  
  
Evvy: (Magics some more rocks)  
  
Briar: (Does some stuff with trees and makes them tear up a house)  
  
(Briar and Evvy save everybody, Lady Zenadia dies)  
  
Cold Fire  
  
Nia and Jory: (Magic things)  
  
Daja: Thank the gods. You need teachers.  
  
Ben: (Sets a LOT of fires.)  
  
Nia and Jory: (Magic some wood and food)  
  
Daja: (Walks around in a fire)  
  
(Nia, Jory and Daja save everybody, Ben dies)  
  
Shatterglass (not out yet)  
  
Keth: I need a teacher.  
  
Tris: Gods. Now I have to teach you.  
  
  
  
(I don't know what happens here)  
  
  
  
Keth: (Magics some glass)  
  
Tris: (Magics the weather)  
  
(Keth and Tris save everybody and the serial killer dies.)  
  
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This is the last of the squashed Tamora Pierce novels. BUT it is not the last of the Squashed Tamora Pierce. If you send me an email (it's listed on my profile) or review with 1. The name of a fic you would like me to squash. 2. The name of the fic's author. Doesn't have to be you. 3. The author's email address, then I will squash it. The requirements for the fic are this: 1. No NC-17 fics. 2. No fics under five chapters/3000 words. 3. No fics that aren't Tamora Pierce. 4. If it's not on FF.N, please tell me where it is.  
  
Press the nice blue button! 


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